Who are you? Who do you think you are and how do you “present” who you are to others? Do you feel like the person inside is the one you show the outside?

So much is attached to who we think we are and who we want to be.

What happens when whatever or whoever we used to be, the role we filled or played, is not on our list of jobs or responsibilities anymore. Think about all the identities you’ve worn already. You’ve probably been a student, maybe you played sports all your life, a newlywed, a mom, a dad, grandparent, a farmer, a doctor, teacher, builder, wedding photographer, designer - someone that others looked to for answers and guidance and results. Or maybe you were diagnosed with an illness or you lost someone close to you or you have dealt with addiction. Every one of those labels come with characteristics attached to them. Some we agree with and some we might not.

I retired from the Navy Reserves. “Former military” is a heavy identifier no matter how many years you served. It carries a lot of weight and, I think, some assumptions. There is a culture associated with it just like any well known industry. Anything that takes up a big chunk of your life tacks an identity onto you – from inside or outside or both. I don’t think of myself as a veteran. It’s not part of my daily thoughts. I have even been surprised when someone introduces me as retired Navy. But then I will sometimes lead with it when asked what I do. Maybe because I don’t know what else to say since I am not working.

There was a lot of discussion in the Day 1 coaching group on identity and the power we have as humans. That got me thinking about my identity and I started asking myself these questions- Who do I think I am? Am I satisfied with that? Am I stuck? Am I letting an event or a label define me? Who do I want to be?

What has defined you? Are you a victim of your identity? Or do you drive who you are?

Try asking yourself these questions - and you can’t answer with a job title: Who am I? How do I describe myself? What do I do? What do I like to do? Who do I want to be?

Here’s what I came up with: I like to discover and try new things. I love to create stuff - containers full of flowers, decorations, photographs. I love to visit and drink in beautiful places and things. I love to laugh and connect with people who I love and who love me. I love to be a part of a team that makes things better. I have met the nicest people everywhere I’ve lived and I love that part of my history.

I am funny and smart, I am easily distracted by ideas, natural beauty and sudden flashes of almost anything. I am a good writer. My dog loves me very much. I love that I – and the whole family – literally rescued her from the rainy streets of Memphis. (OHMYGOSH I wrote this a few weeks ago and even though Dixie passed away, I’m keeping this part of me. I love that I had a dog that looked at me with love). These things about me – I love them. I feel they are really me.

Obviously, I am not always made of pure joy and sunshine 😜. But I am developing who I want to be. Not what needs a tune up.

Another relevant layer to add would be to change the questions we ask. Instead of what do you do? Ask what do you like to do? What do you love doing?

This is what I am thinking about for the next podcast - maybe with a guest!

What defines a “mid life crisis” or an “empty nest” or retirement? They are all major transitions from a well-known role that people play for years, maybe decades. A mid life crisis happens when you realize you are actually getting older and you are closer to 50 than 30. Have you done the things you thought you would. Have you become who you wanted to be? It might even be wrapped up in an empty nest and retirement! Most people look forward to retirement but maybe they aren’t prepared for not having 40+ hours of their week scheduled by someone else. Parents whose kids move away into independent-ish adulthood by way of school or just plain distance are not needed in the same way and that is a muthascratchin’ stink hole. It opens up it’s very own can of red wiggly worms.

I want to know who and what I am. I want to be satisfied with who that is. I do not want to be anyone other than me. I don’t want to try to fit in or be something because of an expectation from someone or some ideal. Been there. Done that. I refuse to be something because it’s always been that way or that’s how we’ve always done it. Or based on expectations. Bull shit. I sure don’t want to be something because someone told me it was probably a safe thing or a good idea based on the circumstances. Again. Bull shit.

I have that power. So. Much. Power. And with great power comes great responsibility. Right?

Buckets of love coming at ya.

Take care of yourself. Whoever you are.

“Decide what to be and go be it.” Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise The Avett Brothers

“I had focused too much on helping myself rather than discovering who I was as a person post-military. I think that we create these hybrid identities where all I knew about myself was that I was Micah Fink the Navy SEAL. I thought to myself, ‘What are you doing? What are you actually doing?’ We create these identities and create these labels. The labels create these markets and trends that we all follow. We never really learn about who we are and we just become a reflection of what we did. We’ve been told that what we did is who we are. We never really learn about who we are.”

— PO1 Micah Fink (Navy SEALs, OEF Veteran)

I heard Micah Fink the founder of Heroes and Horses say on a podcast, and I’m paraphrasing, native Americans consider a diagnosis a curse. Don’t tell me what I am or what I have or how I am expected to behave based on a diagnosis.

What if we all stopped asking where we work or what we do. What do you do for a living? What makes you feel alive, like you are paying attention and in the moment? That phrase – what you do for a living - needs a LOT of tweaking. What pays the bills is much different than what you do for a living.

Identity - Selfdom - Distinctiveness